Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Process Analysis Draft

Our Polish Ambassador Mini Vacation On our way to Milwaukee to see The Polish Ambassador, we made a few stops to waste some time. The first stop was the Tanger Outlet Mall in the Dells. I love going shopping when I'm out of the Onalaska area to see if there is anything different at these malls. Taylor, Josh, and I shopped from store to store until we reached the end of the strip mall. Most of the stores were similar to the stores in Onalaska, but it was worth the stop! As we left the Tanger Outlet, our stomach's were gargling. Denny's is right by the Tanger Outlet Mall so we had to stop, since we do not have a Denny's in the Onalaska/ La Crosse area. The inside of Denny's looked like a Diner from the Elvis Presley era. As we finish our meals, our stomach's feel like they are going to explode. We leave Denny's to head back on the road to our destination. The car ride to Milwaukee seemed to take forever. To pass time we obviously listened to music. We also decided to bring out our childish side and play traveling games, such as I Spy. After we play a few games we decide to stop again for a bathroom break at a local gas station. We got some snacks for the road and something to drink. Once we check out our items, it is back on the road again! After a few hours of traveling busy interstates, we arrive at our hotel in Milwaukee. Our hotel was a simple, cheap hotel. No pool or anything special, just a place to stay for the night. The show is still not for a couple of hours so we decide to check out a little bit of Milwaukee. As we weave between streets in downtown Milwaukee, we pass through Marquette University. The buildings look like an old, historical school, along with most of the buildings in downtown Milwaukee. It is a very neat scene. We try and find a mall on our smartphones. We were successfull and found one about 15 minutes away from the downtown area. As the GPS leads us in the right direction, we come across a Sonic! I don't eat fast food very often, but we were on a one day vacation, and I haven't seen a Sonic since I was in Kansas. My friends also have been waiting for the day to enjoy Sonic for the first time. We pull up to a drive in similar to Rudy's In La Crosse. After examining the menu, Josh, the driver, pressed a button to order our food from his car. A few minutes after we order our food, the girls bring out a tray of food as they balance on rollerskates, also known as car hops. For not having Sonic in a long time, and for Josh and Taylor's first time there, we really enjoyed our fast food. After our meal was finished and we were stuffed to the brim, we head back to the busy and crazy streets of Milwaukee. As we get further out of downtown, the buildings and houses are a little more rusty and old and as some people would call it, the "trashy" part of town. There was alot of small strip malls and little stores, nothing like clothes shopping or anything, just stores for necessities mostly. As we get further away from downtown Milwaukee, it almost feels as if we are going into another city. The GPS instructed us to go a direction that seemed unfamiliar and unrealistic as we enter a part of Milwaukee that has nice houses and a great community. Little did we know, it was the right direction. As we arrive at our destination, as the GPS would say, we encounter a big, two story mall. Just like at the Tanger Outlet Mall, we start at one end, except this time we started and one floor and came back on the other. This mall was a lot more fun than the Tanger Outlet Mall. There were more stores and a few new ones that we did not have at the Valley View Mall in Onalaska. This mall was so cool that the mall cops got to ride around on segways! I was totally jealous! Escalators were found in numerous spots throughout the mall along with a couple elevators. After we explored the two floors and went to all the stores we wanted to, we decided we should probably head back to the hotel and meet our friends, Nate, Jared, Travis, and Derek. Leaving the Milwaukee mall, we once again pass by sonic, and the marquette university and end up back at the hotel. Our other four friends had just gotten there, so we made it in perfect time. Now it was time to get the party started!

5 comments:

  1. This reads as a narrative essay. You are clearly telling a story rather than analyzing a process. I am also, not certain what exactly your thesis is. You may also consider not making this essay one, super long, paragraph. If I didn't already know who The Polish Ambassador was I would have had no idea your sere talking about music or what your essay title had to do with your essay. One might have actually thought you were going to see an actual ambassador. I do however, enjoy the story you tell.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This essay to me is much rather a narrative essay then a process analysis because you are telling a story or your experience rather than tell us how to do something. I would consider revising your essay. I see one big paragraph only so you might want to fix this. I couldn't pick out your thesis as you started out by saying you guys were on your way to see the polish ambassador. Maybe you can give us more of an ideal what this polish ambassador does or how he is important to you. I do see some sentence run on and grammar errors. Overall, not bad but I like to see more details.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I had a hard time trying to pick out your thesis. It was also hard to read because there were no breaks for paragraphs, but I have had this problem occasionally when posting. There are a few grammar errors. I do like the story and my favorite sentence is when you talk about your childish side and playing car games.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I like the story, it sounds like you had fun, but this is a narrative. The beginning drops us into a situation without any explanation of how we got to this point, and there is only one paragraph. Readability is severely lowered when there are no line breaks/paragraphs.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am looking for a strong thesis, structure, organization and supporting detail in these drafts. In class tonight students will have the opportunity to check their essays for a thesis statement, proper organization and transitional words, phrases and sentences that show their essays to be organized. I am not reading these for proofing errors or diction right now, but will in the coming weeks as I score them. If I do not mention it in this comment, I have not seen overt weaknesses in structure, thesis or organization. At first read, there appears to be enough supporting detail to yeild *at least* an average score in development. Unless I specifically mention it, there are no obvious problems that would prevent you from scoring in the average range or better. As for above average or "A" quality, that will be more obvious as I sit with your essay longer. As long as the essay is turned in on time, the essay is eligible for revision and a higher score.

    *Structurally there are some issues. Your commenters have raised these issues. It's fine to blend narrative style with process analysis but your focus needs to be clear from the beginning. Think of it in terms of "How To." How to successfully plan and implement a road trip to see this band. I get lost in the details of stores...

    ReplyDelete